patok pa rin ang erap jokes...

Erap Bumbs foreigner

Erap: sorry!!!

Foreigner: sorry too!!

Erap: im sorry 3!!!

Foreigner: What your sorry for??

Erap: sorry 5!!!

Foreigner: sorry but your sick!!

Erap: Sorry 7.. kala yata nito hindi ako marunong magbilang ah…
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PGMA: I am planning to STOP POVERTY and MASS STARVATION!!!


Erap: alam mo Gloria yung POVERTY madaling pigilin, pero ang MASTURBATION human rights violation yan!!!
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Erap: Sumuko na kayo!!!!
MILF: Hindi kami susuko hanggat hindi mo naiispell ang “SURRENDER”!!!!
Erap: Tang-ina nyo!!! Tuloy ang laban!!!!
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ERAP in mcdo.
ERAP: I’ll have large fries, coke and a burger.
CASHIER: for dine in or for take out?
ERAP: no, for jinggoy
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Erap: isasauli ko tong nabili kong VHS tape.
Clerk: ano problema?
Erap: walang picture tsaka sound. Sayang, suspense thriller pa yata.
Clerk: Sir anong title?
Erap: head cleaner!!
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Sa panliligaw ni Erap, mahili g siyang sumulat ng coded love messages tulad ng:

ITALY – I truly adore and love you

SASAYA – Stay as Sweet as you are

Para lalong bumilib and kanyang nililigawan, sinikap niyang gumawa ng ‘love letter’ na gamit ang alphabet:

ABC – Always be careful

DEF – Don’t Ever forget

GHI – Go Home Immediately

JKLM – Just Keep Loving Me

NOPQRSTUVW – No One Perfectly Quite Romantic Should Treat U Very=2 0Well Napa-whew at pinagpawisan si Erap. Tatlong titik na lang and natitira…XYZ.

Pinag-isipan ito nang husto ni Erap. Makalipas ang oras, napangiti siya at pinalakpakan ang kanyang sarili bago sinulat ang:

XYZ – Xee You Zoon!!

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 FRIES

Kumain sa isang sosyal na restaurant sina Erap at FVR. ‘Give me Swiss Steak and French Fries’ order ni FVR sa ingles.

‘And you Sir? tanong ng waiter.

‘The same, Give me sweepstake and first prize, too’ sagot ni Erap.

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GROUP

Erap was asked if a group of birds is called a flock of bird, and a group of fish is called a school of fish, and a group of wolves is called a pack of wolves, then what do you call a group of dogs?

Erap: Madali lang yan, anong akala ninyo sa akin tanga! Di anser is ‘asociation’ .

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 BRIDGE

Nagpunta si Erap sa England at nag-meet sila ng prime minister.

Habang kumakain, nagtanong ang prime minister.

‘Is San Juanico Bridge the longest bridge in the Philippines ?’

‘Yes,’ mabilis na sagot ni Erap saka biglang nag-isip ng maitatanong din, ‘Ah… Is London Bridge falling down?’

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 ANONG GATAS?

‘Ang gatas ko noong baby ako, Lactum,’ kuwento ni Marcos sa ibang presidente.

‘Ah ako, Enfalac, ‘yun ang mahal, eh,’ sagot ni Cory.

‘Ako, Lactogen, kaya ganito ako katalino,’ sabi ni Ramos.

‘Ikaw, Erap, ano ang iniinom mo noon?’ tanong ng tatlo. ‘Ano yata Lactacyd.’

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ALLEGATIONS

In a cabinet meeting ERAP (galit na galit) :

THERE HAS BEEN A LOT OF ALLEGATIONS THESE DAYS AND I WOULD LIKE TO KNOW WHO THE ‘ALLIGATORS’ ARE.

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The most intelligent ‘presidentiable’

Miriam Santiago, has challenged the least intelligent presidentiable to a televised debate. To make things interesting, Miriam says that every time she asks Erap a question which he cannot answer, Erap has to pay Miriam five pesos. BUT if Erap asks Miriam a question which she cannot answer, Miriam has to give Erap five thousand pesos.

Miriam asks the first question: ‘What’s the distance from the earth to the moon?’ Erap doesn’t say a word, reaches for his wallet, pulls out a five-peso bill and hands it to Miriam.

Now, it’s his turn. He asks Miriam: ‘What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?’ Miriam looks at him with a puzzled look.

She whips out her laptop computer and searches all her references. She taps into the phone with her modem and searches the Net. Frustrated, she sends E-mails to all her aides, assistants, and friends. All to no avail.

After over an hour, she admits defeat and hands Erap five 1000-peso bills. Erap says nothing, but politely accepts the P5,000 and turns away to go home.

Miriam is a poor sport and demands from Erap, ‘Well, so what IS the answer!?’

Without a word, Erap pulls out his wallet and gives Miriam another five pesos….

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Joke: Malungkot

Patient: Dok, malungkot ako dito sa mental… kaya naisipan kong sulatan ang aking sarili…

Doctor: ano naman ang laman ng sulat mo??

Patient: aba.. ewan!!! Next week ko pa matatanggap eh!!!

joke: Manny Pacquio

Oi, watch ka CNN News!!! Manny Pacquio disqualified by Nevada Athletic Comission!!! Drugs found in his urine!!!

Puro ALAXAN, CIRCULAN & ROBITUSSIN!!! May DATU PUTI pa!!!

si ate halata

Girl: taguan tayo.. Pag nakita mo ko papayag akong makipag sex sa yo…

Boy: eh paano kung hindi kita mahanap??

Girl: ehh.. basta nasa likod lang ako ng pinto!!!

Stupident

Anak umuwi ng bahay.(gaLit) anak: nay, pinptwag kau sa skul!
nay: bakit? my ginwa kn namang katarntaduhan?
anak: ako ba? baka ikaw, ikw nga pinapatawag db?

TIME WARP

BOY: miss, pwd mgtnung? anung oras na?
GIRL: ngttanung k ng oras? tpos ttanungn mu name ku? tpos hhingin mu numbr ku? tpos liligwan muq? tpos aftr 1mo. pcharming akung ssgutn kta.. tpos bbsita k sa bahay..
tpos mgddate tyo.. tpos smpre pkipot nmn aku.. tpos ddlhn muq kht san lng.. tpos mi mngyyari stn.. tpos mbbuntis aku..
tpos ppkasal tyo.. tpos bbugbugn mu lng ako! at pnu na ang bata?! Hindi! Hndi ku ssbhn kung anung oras na! BOY: (speechless)

Spelling War

Sa kalagitnaAn ng gera !
 pedro: sumuko na kyo! wla rn kau mapa2la.
 terorista: su2ko lng kmi kung mai-spel mo ung ceasefire ?
pedro: ituloy ang laban! patay kung patay! Pada2lhan ko kau ng crysanthemum sa inyong lbing!
terorista: spEl crysanthemum?
pedro: sv ko rose, bingi b? Labn kung labn..wlang spelingan . . 

joke: kaibigan lang

Teacher : CLASS! ANO ANG KAIBIGAN PARA SA INYO?
S1: kasama in good & bad times.
S2: Sabihan ng secrets po.
T: tama kayong lahat.oh ! Juan , Ano ang kaibigan para sau?
J : KAiBiGAN ?? Yan ung pinaka nakaka insultong tinawag saken ng taong mahal ko :'(

life 00001

for every amount of pain ive suffered,...
i will get the equal amount of happiness in return :))

Mukang perang babae

Boy: Marry me?
Girl: Do you have a house?
Boy: No..
Girl: Do you have a BMW car?
Boy: No..
Girl: How much is your salary?
Boy: No salary.. but.........
Girl: No but. You have nothing. How can I marry you? Just leave me, please!!
.
.
.
.
.

Boy: *talking to himself* I have one villa, 3 property lands, 3 Ferrari, 2 Porsche.. Why I still need to buy BMW?! How can I get the salary when actually I'm the BOSS?!